To Kill a Rosemary

A lot of people find their way to my blog when they type in a Google search for something like, "rosemary plant root rot," or "how to save a dying rosemary plant." So if you've come here looking for advice on how to grow a rosemary plant successfully, well, all I can say is, I am sorry I cannot help. I am no good with rosemary. And this photo is perfect proof.



What I can tell you with confidence is how I killed mine. So here goes: How to Kill a Rosemary in 7 Easy Steps.

(I could make it an even 10, but why drag out the agony?)

# 1. Leave your rosemary plant in the small pot you bought it in, so the soil dries out quickly and the roots get all cramped. Neglect is key here.

# 2. Since the soil in the small pot dries out so quickly, give it LOTS of water. Water it about every other day. Keep the plant's feet wet.

# 3. Ponder why the leaves are turning brown. Then keep watering it. (Brown leaves = dry plant = needs more water, right?)

# 4. Remember that when your previous rosemary plant died, several people informed you that it's a Mediterranean plant that doesn't like to be in soggy soil. So...

# 5. Change course and resist every urge to water that browning rosemary plant (even though the needles are now falling off in handfuls, the soil in the tiny pot is parched to a crisp, and the plant looks generally mangled). No matter how bad it gets, whatever you do, do not water it for at least a whole week. Just don't do it!

# 6. Allow (lighthearted) argument to ensue with your spouse (the spouse who bought the dang plant in the first place!) about whether the near-dead rosemary is getting too much or too little water. Example:

Husband reaches to pour a glass of water on the severely ailing plant.

Wife yelps, "No! Don't do it!" as she nearly tackles him to pull the glass of water away.

Husband raises eyebrow and exclaims, "But look how dry it is!"

Wife, in her Know-it-All voice speaks up, "But it's a Mediterranean plant. It likes to be dry. We shouldn't water it so much!"

Husband, with a glance of disbelief and his down-to-earth tone, says, "Um, Babe, if even the newest part at the top of the plant is crinkling up, I think that means it needs water."

And... you guessed it... proceed to add more water.

# 7. Concede that rosemary plant is dead.